Through the biscotti

My Job

Borrowed time busy fleas.

I wanted to write about something specific but I forgot. I know it had to do with my marriage, or lack there of. Yes I am married, but everything is gone. I worry everyday that DH will die, his health isn't so good; high blood pressure, high cholesterol, borderline diabetic, sleep apnia. I tell myself that my time with him maybe limited so enjoy it now. I can't. I don't know why but I just can't. I was talking with a guy that I work with and he asked me if I loved my husband, I said of course I do, but I felt as if he could see right through me. Do I love my husband? I don't really talk to him. I rarely have sex with him and when I do it is just to shut him up and that is only like once a month. We NEVER go on dates (which is probably the problem). Honestly I don't find him very attractive. Yes, I love his eyes but that's about it. He doesn't look at me the way he used to and if he did maybe I'd find him more attractive. He is quite over weight and rather hairy. He has zits on his back and his feet gross me out. He will wear the same underwear for days and sleep in them too. No wonder I can't give him a blow job anymore. He stinks like cigarette smoke. He just completely grosses me out. That is horrible I know. My therapist told me I should give him subtle hits about his terrible hygiene, what can I say? Wash your ass and feet? Do your laundry if you don't have any clean undies. He asked me if I am bothered by his weight and I did admit it but he still shoves snacks down his throat as soon as he comes home from work (right before dinner). Ugh, I feel so trapped. I want him to change. I want him. I want him to be clean. Not fat. Not gross. I want him to take pride in himself. Maybe I should just tell him. I think of how I would feel if my husband said those things to me and I think I would kill myself. But it is so true. He is gross. He is gross. He is GROSS! I feel a huge weight lifted off of my chest but still, I don't know what to do.

On the other side of my life I just found out that I am a homeroom mom and the computer helper in my one daughters class and the book club parent in my other daughters class on top of the CCD class I help teach on Sunday, working and my home life! Wow, I must have been manic when I signed up for all that. Keeping busy is good for me.

Mr. Lovey just fell asleep. It is time to start cleaning this disgusting house. Oh yeah, my house cat has FLEAS! I've had this cat for a couple months and she doesn't go outside and she has fleas. My other cat who I've had for 4 years is outside more than he is in and NEVER has fleas. WTF, how the heck did that happen.

Poor baby mouse my stupid cat caught. Why is natural selection so hard to except?

Hood signs

Just a midnight ramble.

I'm tired. Finally have food in the 'fridge and cabinets. The house is a mess, like usual. School starts after tomorrow. Kids need hair cuts, uniforms need washin'. So much needs to be done it's giving me anxiety attacks. I don't really have much to say. I like to type. I like the sound and the feeling of it. My brain has shut down a few days ago so I really can't even think of anything to say. My leg is asleep. I just ate lucky charms and need to brush my teeth.

Un-family Values.

Ok, so I locked Disney and Nick because I think the girls watch too much of it. So they discovered ABC Family by watching America's Funniest Home Videos and The Sound of Music. I was thinking GREAT! A wholsome channel for my little girls to watch, nothing says wholesome like "family" right? So TT was watching it and I heard the teen characters talking about their 1st time having SEX! Yes Teens! Like 13 year olds!WTF! I told her to change it and she did. So now she's watching Cops. Honestly that is better than that stupid un-family values channel. What the heck is wrong with this world????

Happy Face.

I vow to have a happy face today. It's 11:40am and once I'm done this blog I will shower and be OK. Why am I this way? I've haven't been this bad in 5 years. I miss my silly self, my witty comments. This isn't me. I want to be happy, silly, fun...clean (I haven't showered in 3 day.) So now it's 11:42am and I will shower and put on a happy face! :-)

Sexy Hell

Sexy hell

Mummified Morning.

Can I just stop time for the day. Allow myself to just sit and rot away. Just let me sink deeper and deeper into this empty pit, of sadness, weakness, lonely bliss.

Please stop calling my name, please stop putting things in your mouth. Please don't ask me to sit with you. I can't. I just can't do it today. I can't be a mother. I can' be a wife, a friend, an aunt, a daughter. I can't exist. Just for the day, PLEASE.

I can't be like this now. I need to be quick, smart, happy, loving. My kids need me. But I just want to be left alone and have everything that needs to be done be done. No amount of coffee can get me through this. This sucks so bad.

Feel better feel better feel better feel better feel better feel better. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

The clock keeps ticking. Things keep happening. Life is slipping away.

From the mouth of Jews.

I have a tendency to be highly attracted to the Jewish mouth! Something about the way the bottom of the nose goes into the top lip and melts like hot Carmel into the bottom lip with the chin slightly crowning. Mmm Mmm good! The weird thing is my 20 year old niece has the same lusty attraction! What is it that causes such animalistic desire when seeing something so subtle like a chin? Where do these feelings come from? My heart, my head, my ovaries? We aren't Jewish. I often wonder if I was Jewish in a past life (if past lives even happened). My niece and I have an amazing bond. Maybe we were both Jewish in a past life, married to some super hot Jewish guys. LOL, I'm not talking about Woody Allen. Maybe if he wasn't so goofy he'd be hot. Now that I think about it I completely melt when I hear Jewish voices. Joaquin Phoenix, Liev Schreiber, Adam Arkin, Daniel Day-Lewis. Just to name a few! Hot Hot HOT!!!

Sick

Sick

You could of just done the dishes.

You could of just done the dishes

Lazy Bones.

Lazy bones

Totally Grotally!

Mac and cheese burrowed deep for the winter. Cookies in the shape of bananas (where did they come from?). Crumbs of all sorts, chess pieces, crayons, pens, Popsicle sticks and wrappers. Cheese smashed and smeared like a bug on a windshield. Squeezey yogurt. Milk stains. You name it, it's like a bloody grocery store. And what is it that I am talking about? My living room floor. It is SO SO SO gross in there, there are so many crumbs it's like Sand on the beach. 6 more days and the girls are back in school. My poor poor rug will finally have some relief. Maybe I should treat it to a deep cleaning spa treatment? This summer sure flew by, but left a lot of dust behind...litterally.

Another night of work tonight. I hope I don't start to hate it. I really have to keep my focus as to why I am doing this. A new house! Maybe near my dear friend Sally ;-) I would love it! Mr. Lovey and Lolly Pop could play everyday. Sally and I can drown ourselves in coffee coffee coffee! And I would be out of this shoe box money pit <3 ! How about a car that fits more than 5 people, that would be wonderful. I wouldn't have to double up my girls when a friend comes along. Wishful thinking.

Oh well, I guess everything is the way it should be. It is what it is and will be what it will be. To think I have any control over my life is to think wrong. Whether I fight hard for something or sit back and watch it go by, my fate will be no different. It truly is what it is. It would be neat to watch the movie "The Last Temptation of Megan Sunburn." Tempt me baby :-> There is border patrol on my life's path, hiding behind every situation and invitation. Ready to jump out and shoot me full of reality like a fleeing Mexican running to the Promised Land. Bang!

1st Night over.

OMG! Lucky Charms are the bomb! Home now from my first night back to the coffee house in 3 years. It felt like I never left, no problems acclimating. My feet are killing me though. What is a text-a-holic to do????? I NEED to update my facebook, text random peeps about random things, blog about what I'm doing and maybe even twitter. But my favorite boss in the whole world says, "no cell phone use!" So I snuck off into the bathroom and had my fix.

It's hard to be at the coffee house. I get this horrible urge to be single. I want to go to the bar after work and flirt till the sun comes up. I want to talk about things single people talk about. I want to be who I was 10 years ago.

I've never lived alone. I almost did, but my boyfriend ended up getting an apartment near my house and I just hung out there instead. We ended up getting married...and here we are now. I often wonder if I should of gotten married at 22 years old. So young, so naive. I fucked up a lot of stuff, especially my finances. I feel like I'll be in debt forever because someone let a bi-polar little girl run a house hold, get pregnant and start her beautiful family. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with all my heart, I wouldn't trade them for the world but sometimes this lifestyle sucks. So bloody bland. Constantly cleaning and cleaning and cleaning with some facebooking in between. I wish I could have someone take care of everything so I could just play with my kids. Blah blah blah, I could go on forever. It's late, I shall retire for the evening.

Sneaky little Barista

Not bad first night back at the coffee house. Just cant text! I snuck away to the potty!

7 year old girls and drama :-<

For the love of all that is good and pure and holy in this world! I have but a short time to blog here because I have to cook dinner, clean the house, eat, get this God forsaken "guest" out of my house and go to my first night at my new "old" job. It's back to the coffee house, lovely open mic night. The night the "freaks" come out, the pubescent, horney little boys and girls who think they know it all and not only talk about it they get up on stage and belt it out! Ugg I worked open mic for 3 years or so. It took a life time off my purgatory stay. I can do ANYTHING and go straight to heaven :-) . Enough about that, hopefully I'll be able to blog from there. Sanity through technology. An escape to a non-existent world. I don't do drugs anymore so I gotta do something. About this guest. A 7 year old Vietnamese adoptee. Spoiled rotten. Sassy. Drives TT insane, to the point where I honestly think I should commit her! TT is getting over being really sick, a wee bit worn down. The guest wants to dance to the latest Jonas Bros or whatever and TT just wants to chill on the couch. Well, it's 'Nam II. And here comes DingDing, TT's little sister. And when I say little I mean petite and younger but man oh man she sure packs a punch! "Don't Fuck with my family" attitude she has, I guess it's the Italian in her. She whacks the guest with an animal print belt from the 50's. She sure isn't the hostess with the most-est. "Mrs. Sunburn..." That's ll I hear all day along with the crying and whining. "Mrs. Sunburn this, Mrs. Sunburn that. Mrs. Sunburn the moon is round. Mrs. Sunburn shit stinks. Mrs. Sunburn dinosaurs are extinct. (((((((Mrs. Sunburn)))))) ! AHHHHHHH :-0 This isn't the day to run out of my lexepro, this isn't the day to wake up. Ugggggg never again. I hate playdates just as much as I hate the pharase. :-x

I just love you so much.

No matter what way you look at it, you're still the same.

Arkansassy.

Arkansassy.


I stumbled upon a picture of me taken 10 years ago. I was sitting shot gun in my boyfriend at the times black semi-new truck. We were driving carefree through the openness of Arkansas. The spiritually stimulating deserts of New Mexico, our destination. I had my head out the window, feeling the warm wind on my face, smelling unpolluted air, the virginity of it, the purity, like the first breath of Adam.