Borrowed time busy fleas.

I wanted to write about something specific but I forgot. I know it had to do with my marriage, or lack there of. Yes I am married, but everything is gone. I worry everyday that DH will die, his health isn't so good; high blood pressure, high cholesterol, borderline diabetic, sleep apnia. I tell myself that my time with him maybe limited so enjoy it now. I can't. I don't know why but I just can't. I was talking with a guy that I work with and he asked me if I loved my husband, I said of course I do, but I felt as if he could see right through me. Do I love my husband? I don't really talk to him. I rarely have sex with him and when I do it is just to shut him up and that is only like once a month. We NEVER go on dates (which is probably the problem). Honestly I don't find him very attractive. Yes, I love his eyes but that's about it. He doesn't look at me the way he used to and if he did maybe I'd find him more attractive. He is quite over weight and rather hairy. He has zits on his back and his feet gross me out. He will wear the same underwear for days and sleep in them too. No wonder I can't give him a blow job anymore. He stinks like cigarette smoke. He just completely grosses me out. That is horrible I know. My therapist told me I should give him subtle hits about his terrible hygiene, what can I say? Wash your ass and feet? Do your laundry if you don't have any clean undies. He asked me if I am bothered by his weight and I did admit it but he still shoves snacks down his throat as soon as he comes home from work (right before dinner). Ugh, I feel so trapped. I want him to change. I want him. I want him to be clean. Not fat. Not gross. I want him to take pride in himself. Maybe I should just tell him. I think of how I would feel if my husband said those things to me and I think I would kill myself. But it is so true. He is gross. He is gross. He is GROSS! I feel a huge weight lifted off of my chest but still, I don't know what to do.

On the other side of my life I just found out that I am a homeroom mom and the computer helper in my one daughters class and the book club parent in my other daughters class on top of the CCD class I help teach on Sunday, working and my home life! Wow, I must have been manic when I signed up for all that. Keeping busy is good for me.

Mr. Lovey just fell asleep. It is time to start cleaning this disgusting house. Oh yeah, my house cat has FLEAS! I've had this cat for a couple months and she doesn't go outside and she has fleas. My other cat who I've had for 4 years is outside more than he is in and NEVER has fleas. WTF, how the heck did that happen.